giving up

[sobota]

when i was in secondary school i was 14 stone (200 lbs/90 kg) over the course of university, i actually lost quite a bit of weight, and made it to 9 stone (132 lbs/60 kg). i've since crept back up to 11 stone (164 lbs/74 kg) and i want to kill myself.

i can't lose a single ounce or any centimetres around my waist/hips/thighs/anywhere, no matter what i do. i count every calorie, i work out five to six days a week (cardio AND weights), and i'm just generally an active person.

nothing i do works. there could be something wrong with me, but i have no health insurance so i can't visit a specialist and i can't get help. i have to do this by myself, but nothing works so i just...

i hate being fat. i hate looking at myself in the mirror, i hate how my clothes fit. i literally hate everything about me, let alone the fact that i'm just an ugly girl to begin with.

when i was in france, i ate less than 500 calories and worked out/walked at least six hours a day, four days a week. that's how i got from 11 stone to 9 stone the last time. i guess that's all that works, being completely anorexic. it's also the last time i was happy with my body, and with myself.

i'm sorry that i can't do the 'fat acceptance' thing. fat, for me, is failure. i'm a failure. i will always be a failure.

i'm especially worried about this because since i fall into the category of 'obese' by standards still used by all doctors, i may not be accepted into my dream job. so you know, being fat for me is actually a failure.



i should just resign myself to failing. i've never actually succeeded anyway.